Tammy,

A yoga teacher invited me to a special Halloween yoga class.

I arrived and set up my mat in the darkened room.  Suddenly I felt a couple drops of water pour down my forehead.  I looked up and saw there were no leaks in the ceiling.  So how could this be?  We hadn’t even started the class yet.  I looked around and saw something weird for a yoga studio.  What are those machines?

Just then the teacher came into the class, pointed to the machines, and said, “Welcome to hot yoga.” Oh boy!  At least she didn’t welcome me to Bikram yoga as I nearly died of heat exhaustion the couple of times I tried that.  A minor victory.

Another scanning of the room revealed women in skin tight shorts,  sports bras, and really toned bodies.  I started to sweat even more.  Subconsciously I was getting intimidated; I am a level one “yogi” and they are obviously advanced students.  Once the class started, we got into the sophisticated poses pretty quickly.  I felt like I was taking a steam bath, but in this strange world the scantily clad women were not the focus of my attention.  We started moving so fast my heart began pounding like a jackhammer.  Was I having a panic attack?  I thought my life was starting to flash before me.

I rested on my mat and gulped down an entire bottle of water.  For the first time I noticed the women’s clothes were glowing as there were black lights in the studio.  They looked like synchronized Cirque du Soleil performers; surely I must have messed up their tightly choreographed formations.  To avoid any further embarrassment I fell asleep on my back.

When the teacher invited me to this black light yoga class I should have realized that rather than being given a treat for Halloween, I was actually being tricked or yoga punk’d.  I guess she was getting me back for all the times I couldn’t stop laughing in her classes.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

In the past couple of weeks I’ve had a couple of peculiar yoga classes.

In the first one, the teacher told us to get into child’s pose.  I complied and then she promptly sat on my bum.

In the other class, the teacher had us do a pose I’ve never heard of and I can’t remember the name.  We were told to lie on our backs and cross our legs at the knees.  Our legs were supposed to go out to the sides.  The teacher came over and pushed my knees into my body.

Each time I had the most amazing feeling.  It was like someone was hugging those parts of my body.  It wasn’t sexual, just comforting beyond belief.  There was no vibe with the teacher, just nirvana for me.

They say yoga is supposed to feel good.  Well, these were the first instances that I’ve ever felt such a truly euphoric feeling in any part of my body during a yoga class.  Is this the feeling you’re supposed to get in yoga?  If it is, I might be like a crack addict trying to chase after those first couple of highs for the rest of my life.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

I know yogis are not supposed to hate on anything but there are a few poses I find less than desirable.

First there is half standing forward bend.  I bet I look like the hunchback of Notre Dame when doing this pose.  I don’t think any teacher has corrected this pose of mine because they think I might have leprosy and be contagious.

Full Boat pose is another undesirable.  I feel as if I am having Parkinson shakes when in this position and that I’m doing permanent damage to my back.

Dragonfly is not a fave either.  Most women in yoga classes ace this pose and can put their elbows on the ground.  Me, I can’t get my torso to lean forward at all.  I feel like a wax statue waiting to be sent to a taxidermist with my torso leaning backwards.

Do you have any poses not on your preferred list?

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Last night I went to a beach yoga class.

I guess beach yoga puts a lot of things in perspective.  Yoga is there for us to laugh at ourselves.  We go to a place of nature and try to act naturally.  We put our body into a pose to resemble a tree.  The wind comes along and we lose our balance and like leaves, part of us comes falling down.  Unlike normal life, we laugh at our little tree disintegration.  We look at the horizon for a point to focus on and see a cruise ship; we start dreaming about cocktails, midnight buffets, and candlelit dinners.  Then we laugh that the cruise is only in our head.  Or we try to make it into airplane pose, a variation of Warrior III pose, and we lose our balance and fall to a crash landing.  Fortunately we can laugh at this.

The teacher tells us to do the the isosceles triangle pose, or was that the rotating triangle pose?  My head is spinning.  When we miss the crow pose and end up on our head in tripod pose with sand in our hair, who really cares?  How about side plank pose which is also called vasisthasana?  Say vasisthasana three times and if you aren’t laughing, well, take two ujjayi breaths and try the xanax pose.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today I arrived about ten minutes early for your class.  I was the fourth person there.  To my surprise the three other people were guys.  I set my mat up where I usually do; this is apparently now the “men’s” side.  More people started arriving; they were women.  In fact, four women showed up and placed their mats on the opposite side of the room which was apparently the “women’s” side.  I felt like I was at a middle school dance.

One of the guys then started doing push ups.

Then you arrived and went into your normal spot, front and center.  Were you holding a battle of the sexes yoga class?  I missed that text message.

I usually have my eyes closed during class, so did the women’s side of the room laugh when any of the guys couldn’t hold the chair pose or warrior II pose for extended periods of time?    Did any of the women make any non-verbal, yogic passes at the guys to throw off our focus?  Did the women’s side become jealous because you had to spend more time adjusting the men’s side?

I had to leave right after class so what was the winner supposed to get and/or what was the losing side required to do?  Guys will not wear capri or crop pants to a yoga class.  This is a deal breaker; sorry, guys already feel weird walking out of a class carrying a yoga mat.  No way will any of us guys be getting any of those yoga tattoos on our lower backs.

So, who won?

Tammy,

You will recall I was at your yin a/k/a “happy hips” yoga class three weeks in a row.

Last night I was part of a private yoga class with my girlfriend; there was no teacher.  There was a little mood music, though I don’t know if it was technically yoga music.  We were trying out the yoga pose where you touch hips together.  Out of the blue something happened to me that I had never experienced before.  I felt a different sensation and a popping noise.  It jarred me a little and I wondered if something was wrong.  I thought I had crossed all bridges if you know what I mean.  I figured out that my hip bone had cracked, like when you crack your knuckles.

Is this the goal of the happy hips yoga class and does this sensation occur only at happy times?  I think you gave out yoga homework in the last of these classes but was this what you were talking about?

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

So I arrive in your class one day.  There is a guy there and he says he’s happy that another guy (me) will be in the class.  I don’t think much about it.  The guy then rattles off a whole bunch of maladies and how he is affected by them.  I quickly decide that I will place my mat as far from his mat as possible.  After a class wherein you had us try a bunch of different poses, in what seemed like slow motion, I heard the guy complaining about even more physical issues. 

I definitely avoided the guy on the way out.  I found myself thinking this guy was tremendously annoying.  Fortunately these thoughts did not come up during class.  He made it clear he was into women; so why was he happy when the room became more filled with testosterone?   Wouldn’t his odds with women be greater if there was less competition?  I don’t know what this guy was all about.  Why did he brag about his aches and pains?  Are women impressed by that?  Maybe I’m out of touch with picking up women but I still think they like masculine guys that appear to have their act together.  I don’t know.  Are women attracted to men who have negative game and claim insecurity as a strength?  Wow!  What cardboard box am I living in?  I guess I better get to a yoga class and start crying.  Wait a second.  What’s this blog all about? 

Hold on.  Maybe the real question is:  should I care about this dude and/or let him bother me?  After all, in class I didn’t think about him.  Am I judging the malingerer?  In yoga the aim appears to be voiding yourself of judgment.  Does yoga promote helping a fellow man or letting him/her be?  I’m probably not properly qualified to help the guy but I could tell him that women are rarely ever turned on by verbal self-mutilation.  As a teacher, do you try to loosen him up and tell him to take it easy or let him be and hope he figures things out?

Did you say this yoga thing is supposed to be relaxing and freeing of the mind?

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

I was on my way to the beach recently.  Being that we are in South Florida and it was the holiday season, a lot of tourists from cold weather states had the same idea.  The traffic was heavy but not quite reaching LA Freeway levels.  Rather than inch my way forward at every stop, several times I allowed cars from side streets to move in front of me in line.

This is not like me.   Normally I ignore them.  After all, I am from the Northeast.    In the past, I would occasionally make up a story about how drivers on side streets are late for an important meeting or how they are going to the doctor for an urgent medical problem.  Not letting them cut in would bring a smile to my face.  After all, I plan ahead and so should they.  Do I go as far as road rage?  Nope.  I learn from my elders. You see, I have an octogenarian neighbor who got three months in jail for brandishing a gun at another vehicle.

Why did these out-of-body experiences occur?  Are you rubbing Zoloft into my system when you message my head during shivasana?  Is the shoulder stand calming my nervous system (pun intended).  Have I been sweating so much in your yoga class that my aggressive impulses are transforming into good kharma?

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today was kind of interesting at your yoga class.  As you are aware, there were enough teachers in training that pretty much each one of us students had their own.  After a while I noticed that these young, soon-to-be gurus, could have some fun of their own, at my expense.  During shoulder stand my personal teacher put her foot in my rear end.  I don’t know whether she was trying to adjust me or punish me; all the while she was smiling.  I didn’t know how to diplomatically inquire about this after class.  Should I have asked:  “What is the Sanskrit word for the old foot in the tush pose?”  Or:  “Were you just telling me I’m your bitch?”

Gary Kahn

Below is the note from my doctor excusing me from yoga classes:

Tammy
Yoga Studio
Boca Raton, Florida

Dear Yoga Teacher Tammy:

Kindly be advised that your student Gary Kahn is not expected to be in class this week.  He presented today at my medical office with flu-like symptoms.  Gary is asthmatic so we must pay careful attention to his lungs.  Since you are a yoga teacher, you should note that when the stethoscope was put up to his chest to check his lungs and he was asked to breath, he breathed through his nose.  This is not normal as he must breathe through the mouth for this test; I do not know where he picked up this habit.  He said something about pranayama, whatever that is.  Anyway, please excuse him from any classes he may miss.

In an odd request, Mr. Kahn did advise me to let you know that while sick over the weekend he watched a couple of documentaries about yoga.  These yoga documentaries included appearances by BKS Iyengar and Sri K. Pattabhi Jois.  He also watched the movies Seven Years in Tibet and Eat, Pray, Love.  Thus while he cannot physically practice he is mentally trying to follow the yoga ideals.  Personally, I think that he should let things be and not worry about missing classes and live by the American phrase, it is what it is, all is good.

Thank you and we hope this letter brings you a little enlightenment of the situation.