Tammy,

At work, there is a woman who goes to a yoga class from 12-1. She leaves the office and changes in the yoga studio bathroom. After class, she changes in the studio bathroom, bypasses the shower which is adjoined to same bathroom, and returns to our office in her professional clothes. She tells me that she doesn’t sweat at the yoga class and therefore she is clean. I tell her that by putting on the yoga clothes and moving around she is getting sweaty and dirty. Would you agree with me or her that she is officially less than clean and should be sent home from work by reason of being less than sanitary?

If a guy were to take his lunch hour to work out and return to work in the same clothes, without showering, he would never hear the end of it.  The Women’s Viral Guide to Hot Men would forever list him as undateable, despite how good looking he is, how much money he has, how nice he is, or even if he writes a crazy, mildly entertaining blog about, say, yoga.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

I signed up for a class which was going to be held right next to the Intracoastal Waterway.  I was psyched as it had promise to be euphoric.

Upon arrival, I parked in the lot near where I thought the class would be.  Nobody was going to the grassy area where the internet showed the location of the class.  So I waited outside my car.  A woman who had apparently gone for a run suddenly arrived at a neighboring car.  I stared at her for quite a while and finally asked if I was in the right place for the yoga class.  Hesitatingly she said yes and that she was the teacher.  She pulled out her mat and other stuff from the trunk of her car.  We walked over to the serene spot where the sun was shining.  The water was close by and the gigantic houses were easily visible across the water.

Nobody else showed up so I was excited for my first private class.  How cool!

It wasn’t quite a flow class.  We started doing poses but they didn’t connect to each other.  I was right in front of her but quickly realized that she wasn’t really talking to me during the poses.  She was speaking as if it was a large class and just letting me know what the next pose was and how to get into it.  She only looked at me twice during the entire hour.  She didn’t adjust any of my poses; not even Warrior I or II.

What happened?  Was the teacher upset that I arrived?  If I didn’t show up, she could have gone home.  Is it possible I freaked her out and she thought I was a stalker?  Maybe I was in the zone and did the perfect yoga class.  Does this mean I will soon have my own yoga dvd for sale?  After all, I was wearing my rock star sunglasses.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

At the end of today’s class you said, “yoga is love.” It’s hard to think a couple could meet in a yoga class. The mate selection process is a little different, if not impossible, that’s for sure.

The women are all decked out in their designer yoga capri pants and matching tops with coordinated sport bras; whereas the guys are in raggy, baggy basketball shorts, tailored cut off shirts (not), and the highly erotic sweat bands. Most guys sweat like crazy so I don’t think any woman would be dreaming about an aromatically rank shower during a mating activity. In fact, one day as I was leaving class I heard one woman say that some guy was cute, but then she laughed and called him stinky dinky doo.   Somehow I don’t think that was an endearing pet name.

If a guy could get by this obstacle, what would be a great pickup line in yoga class? “You’re so hot we should do our own bikram yoga practice, just you and me.” Or, “when I meditate I only focus on you; are you thinking about me?” What about: “I love the way you pose; was that just for me?” Somehow I don’t think any woman would date such a guy. So tell me, what’s love got to do with yoga?

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Shortly before 5 at night I put my mat on the sand.  The teacher started the class.  I quickly realized the restaurant behind the beach had a guitarist playing an Eagles song.  To the right there were volleyball courts full with games going.  In front of me I saw the green water, the white-capped waves, the horizon, the kite surfers, the regular surfers, and the sun tanners playing in the water.  While you might suspect this could be an ADHD moment, everything seemed to be in slow motion.  The soundtrack in my head was the sound of the waves crashing.  Oh yeah, we did some poses but I couldn’t tell you what they were or how I did them.   Would you call this nirvanic yoga?

No, I didn’t have a shot of Jager before the class.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Recently I went to Daytona Beach for a yoga class with someone who is renowned for being a great teacher, does world-class inversions, is really sweet, and likes to have fun and laugh.  She’s a lot like you.

I took I-95 to get there and found the yoga studio which was pretty close to, but not quite on, the beach.  The studio was right next to an Irish bar.

The class started with the routine warm-up poses.   The pose changes then came quicker and quicker.  I’m asthmatically challenged so intervals and fast aerobic activities are not my strong suit.  It soon came to me that “my colleagues” on the mat were teachers and veteran yoga practitioners.  Not a problem, I would do things at my own pace.  I soon drifted a few poses behind everybody else.  My heart was pounding out of my body and my shirt and mat were full of sweat.  Whoever says yoga makes you look great has obviously never tried yoga.   Anyway, the teacher then started going into some of the poses with our legs off the ground.  I tried a couple and then it got too complicated.  My brain recognizes the left from the right but converting that to my body and occasionally there’s an issue; add some inverted positions and my mind-body coordination inverts and then flatlines.  So I backed off and started watching  what the teacher was displaying and asking the students to try.  They did zoological animal poses that I didn’t know were even part of yoga:  scorpion, grasshopper, and side crow.  It looked so cool I should have been the class photographer.   All the while I was laughing.   What was so funny about all of this?  Was it that 50 other human beings could do things with their body that I was incapable of?   Was it the realization that the other participants would not appreciate me calling them “colleagues”?   Was it that yoga allowed me to constantly laugh at failure?  Whatever it was that day or in your classes, yoga is a big laugh (to me).  Who cares why I laugh?  I’m going back to your class for more!

Gary Kahn

P.S.  After class I went to the Irish bar hoping to hang with all of the other yogis and talk about the class; like people do with friends after you play softball or football.  Nobody else from the class showed up.  Perhaps there’s something else to I need to learn about the yoga world besides the poses.

Tammy,

While out of town last week I took a couple of yoga classes.  I was the big dog as I was the youngest and most flexible.

So today I felt quite confident and went to your class.  As usual, you were serene and glowing.

It was a small class so you announced that we would go a little faster today.  First you giggled at my triangle pose and hinted that it looked more like a trapezoid; you had never seen anybody do that before.  Don’t worry, the Guinness book of records didn’t come calling.  When we were going into happy baby pose, I could see you were going to help me; however, the look on your face told me you had never seen a new born this sweaty.  You held your nose and sprinted to help somebody else.  Well, I’d been doing downward dog for many, many months so I thought l could ace at least one pose.  Nope, my but wasn’t high enough; after all we are in Boca Raton.

Gotta hand it to yoga:  go in feeling cocky and come out with your thong in a wad.   Sometimes in class you tell us we should be happy and feel lucky; we have the luxury to be doing yoga.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Recently I went on a bicycle ride right next to the beach.  This is something I do often.   It was the middle of the day and extremely hot.

A couple of miles up the road, my bicycle computer indicated that I was cruising.  In fact, I was going a full 3 miles faster than my average speed.  It was a little weird.  I wasn’t pushing any harder than normal on the pedals.  There was almost no wind.  I was riding alone and wasn’t in anybody’s “slipstream.”  I wondered what I had been doing differently that was making me ride quicker.  I was sweating profusely and started having either a daydream, or perhaps a hallucination.  I thought I saw a big parade float in the sky pulling me forward.  As I drew nearer I realized that the float was not a cartoon character but a person doing a yoga pose with the head and back bent over in an aerodynamic position.  The phantom character was smiling down at me.  Then I realized I was actually picturing, you, my yoga teacher, in Warrior III, a pose I’ve never been able to master.

At first I was a little confused as to why I would be daydreaming about yoga during my ride.   Then it struck me.  I realized my head was tucked down and my back was parallel to the ground.  I was as close as I’d ever come to Warrior III and I was pretty satisfied.  My subconscious had put me in a pose that helped my cycling without me even realizing it.  Three cheers for yoga!

I also realized I was relaxed enough to follow the vision in my head.  What’s that old cliché?  When the student is ready, the teacher will appear in a strange place.  In my case, the old cliché might actually be that if you see parade floats in your head, the little men with the white suits will soon be tying you up.

I guess the next question is how can I relax like this in class so I can do all of the poses and skip to the advanced level classes?

This week is Thanksgiving so thank you Tammy for being my teacher and for the apparition on the bicycle.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

For the second yoga class in a row, there were plenty of teachers in training to help you.  At one point you instructed the students to lie down on our backs.  The young teacher at the student next to me took this opportunity to put her foot on her student’s pelvis.  Better said, she stomped on the person’s pelvis.  Then, seeing that I was laughing, she came over and stomped on my pelvis.  She was now laughing even harder.  What’s going on?  I didn’t see any posters announcing this as sadistic yoga week.  Then again, I’m obviously not in the inner circles of yoga. Who knows?  Maybe those old guys who created yoga were tired of dealing with spoiled students and found a friendly way to take a little jack out on them.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today was kind of interesting at your yoga class.  As you are aware, there were enough teachers in training that pretty much each one of us students had their own.  After a while I noticed that these young, soon-to-be gurus, could have some fun of their own, at my expense.  During shoulder stand my personal teacher put her foot in my rear end.  I don’t know whether she was trying to adjust me or punish me; all the while she was smiling.  I didn’t know how to diplomatically inquire about this after class.  Should I have asked:  “What is the Sanskrit word for the old foot in the tush pose?”  Or:  “Were you just telling me I’m your bitch?”

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today I went to a yoga class at a different school (yoga studio) with another teacher.  I’m not cutting class or skipping school, just trying another.  I’m actually trying to do yoga better.  Seriously, Groupon had some insane deal at another studio with unlimited classes for a month.

Hmmmm, it’s not the same.  What am I missing?  Are we doing the same downward dog and cobra poses?  Yes.  Am I cheating on you, my yoga teacher, by going to another teacher?  Well, this new teacher doesn’t laugh at me like you do when I have no clue what my arms and legs are supposed to be doing.  In fact, she hardly ever comes over and adjusts my alignment.  Perhaps she saw a needy note tattooed on my forehead when I walked in the class and she decided to stay away.  Why does this substitute teacher not find the humor and dreaminess in yoga like you do?  What does she think I am?  A physically challenged beginner?  Maybe I brought the wrong color mat today.

What was the teacher’s deal? Any chance I should be glad she has tolerance and didn’t put me in a yoga pretzel timeout.

Gary Kahn