Tammy,

At the request of one of your colleagues I went to her yoga class today.
She likes my energy and needed some teaching hours for a certification.

There was no child’s pose to start the class so I figured the young teacher forgot something.  Three minutes into the class I heard a pose called out:  crane, or maybe it was crow.  I thought, where do I put my arms and legs?  I looked at the woman next to me for a clue and she was balancing on her hands, with her legs in the air.  I once again remembered that yoga has different levels and I was way in over my basic head.

I was ready to quietly exit but my mat was nowhere near the door.  I decided to stick it out rather than take yoga’s version of the walk of shame.

Despite the teacher’s various pose commands, I frequently found myself in child’s pose.  I realized that child’s pose was for the physically incapable, the cerebrally challenged who could not figure out how to do a pose, and/or those frustrated with the whole deal.  Then I realized why yoga teachers wanted these “slow” students in the child’s pose; with your face in the ground they can’t hear you whining or crying.

I was sweating profusely over what could possibly be next.  I wiped my face and body with my white towel so much that it became discolored, thereby preventing me from using it as a surrender flag.

I am not writing from the hospital nor the grave, so do not worry.  I am simply reminded how happy I will be sharing sun salutations with you for a long time.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

I went to a Halloween party.

There were a few new topical costumes.  Osama Bin Laden was there and that of course brought the Navy Seals (though some of these guys must have been on a 2 week pass as they had quite the stomachs).  Justin Bieber was the favorite for men in their 30’s as they hoped to score with much younger girls.  Amy Winehouse look-alikes seemed to be accompanied by the return of the Kurt Cobain guys.

As I walked around the main room of the party, I saw something in the corner.  It was dark, with blood-red splotches, and looked like a large, strewn out, rag doll.  Immediately I thought of a gruesome opening crime scene from Law & Order:  Special Victims Unit.   I went over to the thing and heard what sounded like loud, troubled, breathing.  Then I heard the words, half dragonfly.  My brain said ‘what’s that?’  The person’s head popped up and I noticed a scarring on the forehead and fake blood oozing out of the neck and cheek.  Finally the woman said, “I’m a yoga teacher and the pose is half dragonfly.”  I didn’t know what pose she was talking about.  She said, “Please, either get down and do what I’m doing or let me practice in peace.”  I decided to try it.  Without warming up I was tight but felt stretched out.  We stayed like this for a while.  We were moving to do the other side of the body when I noticed lots of people had suddenly crowded around us wondering what was going on.  Maybe they expected some sort of Caligula show.  I got freaked.  I quickly thanked the ghoulish yoga teacher and exited; leaving my pride and strange party activity on the floor.  Is there any possibility the people with camera phones at the party don’t know how to upload anything to Facebook, YouTube, or Twitter?

Tammy,

Today I went to a yoga class at a different school (yoga studio) with another teacher.  I’m not cutting class or skipping school, just trying another.  I’m actually trying to do yoga better.  Seriously, Groupon had some insane deal at another studio with unlimited classes for a month.

Hmmmm, it’s not the same.  What am I missing?  Are we doing the same downward dog and cobra poses?  Yes.  Am I cheating on you, my yoga teacher, by going to another teacher?  Well, this new teacher doesn’t laugh at me like you do when I have no clue what my arms and legs are supposed to be doing.  In fact, she hardly ever comes over and adjusts my alignment.  Perhaps she saw a needy note tattooed on my forehead when I walked in the class and she decided to stay away.  Why does this substitute teacher not find the humor and dreaminess in yoga like you do?  What does she think I am?  A physically challenged beginner?  Maybe I brought the wrong color mat today.

What was the teacher’s deal? Any chance I should be glad she has tolerance and didn’t put me in a yoga pretzel timeout.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today you taught us a new pose but I can’t remember the name.   Is there an aardvark pose?  I was a little confused; make that a lot.  In fact, I couldn’t figure out what to do even after watching you, nor looking at the people around me.  It was sweet how you gently came over to my mat and asked how I got into the ridiculous position I had created.  Eventually I realized that you helped me get into child’s pose so that other people wouldn’t imitate me.

Gary