Tammy,

I was the youngest member in tonight’s class and guess who was seeing a cardiologist for a possible sedated, invasive test, potential angioplasty, or impending heart attack?  Yep, that would be me.  Already things were a little off the yoga tree of balance.

First you had us put our butt up against the crown molding in the floorboard and our legs up the wall.  “Hold that for 2 minutes, please,” you said.  Isn’t it sweet to know that all of the blood from my legs will be draining into my ailing heart.

Next you asked us to put our butt up against the floorboard and fold our body over, with the goal being that our head touches our feet on the floor in front of us.  I don’t know how you were able to squeeze behind me so you could forcefully push my back over and my head closer to my feet.  I get it; the resulting back pain was supposed to take my mind off my allegedly faulty ticker.

How about the pose where you had us lie with our backs on the floor and our legs spread in a wide v on the wall.  I felt like a feeble boy trying to break the gender of high school cheerleaders but unable to achieve this rah rah routine.  Were you intentionally trying to destroy the male psyche and start an aortic aneurysm?

A number of times you had to step over a bunch of people and get in strange body positions to help adjust me.  All I could think the whole time was that you were going out of your way to break my heart.  I thought you liked me.

Gary Kahn

PS  The doctor said I’m fine and told me to enjoy living life.  Maybe you were sending me good karma after all.

Tammy a/k/a today’s Hero Poser,

May your happy baby pose cry out with silly laughter.  May your child strike a great pose for you.  May the pranayama breath you take to blow out the cake candles inspire all your wishes to come true.  May your mountain pose be the highest in the world.   May your head and shoulder stands be above all others.

Have a ROCKIN’ and TRIANGLE KICKIN’ birthday!

Namasbirthday!

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

For the second yoga class in a row, there were plenty of teachers in training to help you.  At one point you instructed the students to lie down on our backs.  The young teacher at the student next to me took this opportunity to put her foot on her student’s pelvis.  Better said, she stomped on the person’s pelvis.  Then, seeing that I was laughing, she came over and stomped on my pelvis.  She was now laughing even harder.  What’s going on?  I didn’t see any posters announcing this as sadistic yoga week.  Then again, I’m obviously not in the inner circles of yoga. Who knows?  Maybe those old guys who created yoga were tired of dealing with spoiled students and found a friendly way to take a little jack out on them.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Recently I had a party at my house.  I invited you, my yoga teacher, because you are nice and I thought you would have fun.

After you arrived and grabbed a drink, you looked around the house.  You then looked me in the eye and said, “Gary, where do you practice yoga?”

The bubble above my head started racing:  do I tell her that I roll out my mat and practice in the tv room or perhaps the living room?  Would she believe the garage?  How about telling her that I practice in my head?  What exactly does that even mean?

I noticed sweat starting to pour profusely from my body; kind of like when I am in your class.  I didn’t have a drink yet but I could sure use something to alter my state of mind.  Scottie, can you beam me up?

Why couldn’t your boyfriend say something or pull you away so the two of you could be alone someplace?

Wait.  Why was I so worried about what you think?  Why do I feel the need to impress you?  Oh, simply because you may not think I am in any way serious about yoga and that it is a joke to me.  After all I do laugh in your class, especially at times when nobody else finds anything funny.  With this one question I may have planted the weirdo, stalker, or other whacked moniker in your mind.

Lo and behold what did I come up with?
“Tammy, you see all of my practice (at the studio).”  [the truth]

With that comment you immediately asked for directions to the powder room and disappeared.  At that point, I had a strong sense that I would now be banished from your yoga classes.

Alas, shame has caused my only practice to begin at home in solitude.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today I went to a yoga class at a different school (yoga studio) with another teacher.  I’m not cutting class or skipping school, just trying another.  I’m actually trying to do yoga better.  Seriously, Groupon had some insane deal at another studio with unlimited classes for a month.

Hmmmm, it’s not the same.  What am I missing?  Are we doing the same downward dog and cobra poses?  Yes.  Am I cheating on you, my yoga teacher, by going to another teacher?  Well, this new teacher doesn’t laugh at me like you do when I have no clue what my arms and legs are supposed to be doing.  In fact, she hardly ever comes over and adjusts my alignment.  Perhaps she saw a needy note tattooed on my forehead when I walked in the class and she decided to stay away.  Why does this substitute teacher not find the humor and dreaminess in yoga like you do?  What does she think I am?  A physically challenged beginner?  Maybe I brought the wrong color mat today.

What was the teacher’s deal? Any chance I should be glad she has tolerance and didn’t put me in a yoga pretzel timeout.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Today you taught us a new pose but I can’t remember the name.   Is there an aardvark pose?  I was a little confused; make that a lot.  In fact, I couldn’t figure out what to do even after watching you, nor looking at the people around me.  It was sweet how you gently came over to my mat and asked how I got into the ridiculous position I had created.  Eventually I realized that you helped me get into child’s pose so that other people wouldn’t imitate me.

Gary