Good morning Tammy,

Since I haven’t been to any of your classes this week, I decided to take my second of ten Bikram yoga classes this morning.  Despite the near death experience at my first class, I’m going again because Groupon ehounds me to see whether I’m using the Groupons I purchased.  Groupon also wants me to rate the experience at the Bikram studio; I’m in a good mood and will skip this part.  As the saying goes, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything; otherwise your next Bikram class may terminally be your last.

There is a little trepidation about going to another Bikram yoga class.  I go to your class to feel good about myself and laugh which I think is the purpose of yoga.  I think Bikram is life’s way of seeing if you have a death wish or if you really want to be alive.  There are a couple of signs indicating my first class wasn’t a comedy festival or an ecstasy party.  Nobody said hi to the teacher as she walked into class.  During the entire 90 minute class, every student had their teeth clenched; they should’ve been wearing mouth guards as they were surely grinding their teeth.  The sole positive I can relate from the class is that I was able to stay up until 2 in the morning after the class; good bye 5 Hour Energy drink.

My mind wanders who may be a good candidate for Bikram yoga.  Somebody who is waiting for a big inheritance should consider suggesting Bikram to their “loved one”; the richie may not make it out alive.  Ladies, is the love lost from your marriage and you’re thinking about divorce?  Is your hubby’s life insurance paid up?  If so, don’t even wait for his birthday, your anniversary, or the holidays, gift him some Bikram yoga classes as soon as possible.

When I go this morning, I’m going to pay special attention to the teacher’s speech at the beginning of class.  The teacher must give out a safe word like they do in BDSM sessions.  I must be able to stop the madness or get a reading of the last rites.

Bikram for breakfast is definitely the way to wake up!  NOT!

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

Tonight was my first Bikram yoga class.  I don’t know if I can go back but I’ve already paid for 9 more lessons.

When I walked in the studio door it was already a little steamy.  Okay I thought, this is really going to be exhilarating.   When the teacher arrived she asked for my name and whether I had ever done Bikram yoga before.  No and Gary I announced.   She then cranked up the heater near my mat.   Initially we did some breathing poses where you move your arms and neck.  So far so good.  Then oblique twists for mountain pose.  Cool, good bye muffin top.  Soon there were new poses I didn’t know and I was covered in sweat.  I reached for a towel to wipe my face, neck, arms, and chest.   The cute, young, girl-next-door-teacher, approached and told me to give up the towel because I would need it the whole class.  I was able to do a few more poses and then I had to stop and sit in timeout on the ground behind my mat.  I feared heat exhaustion.  Aerobically, I was burnt toast.  I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest.  I watched everybody else do what I was incapable of.  She then called out triangle pose.  She came over to me and sweetly whispered, or so I thought,  “come on, even Charlie Brown can do this one.”  During another pose she told us to put our hands by our heart and we can pray if we want.  I don’t think she was kidding.  I couldn’t see the clock so I piously requested the end of class.  Throughout class the teacher would call my name to encourage me; however, I felt quite embarrassed.  After all, there were a couple of overweight guys who had 15 years on me and they could do all of the poses.  I heard her say shivasana and I got up from my exile as I can definitely do relaxation pose.  She said to keep our eyes open.  I think something is wrong.  Three seconds later we were instructed to fold our torsos over our legs; this sent me back to once again being a bench warmer.  The teacher was so hot her halter top and capri pants were covered with sweat stains.  No need for any weird ideas; I was so delusional my brain didn’t have the capacity for any Clintonesque thoughts.  After several more fakes, the real shivasana arrived.  I got back on my mat and nearly passed out.  When I came to, I saw there was only one other person in the class and she was leaving.

Was this really yoga?  Maybe an inbred cousin.  Hardly any of the poses resembled vinyasa yoga.  It was so hot I think the walls will soon be covered in mold.  Maybe I should call Groupon and tell them I dropped into the wrong class and get my money back.

Gary Kahn

Tammy,

I’m confused about something I’ve never done before:  Bikram yoga.  I grouponed a set of 10 classes.

I understand there is a person named Bikram; how did this dude get a yoga named after him?  Did he pay the yoga gods a lot of money?  Are Patanjali and Pattabhi Jois rolling over in their graves?  How does Iyengar feel about these naming rights; was he part of the bidding process?  Was Bikram trying to keep up with Pilates by self naming a form of fitness?  Is this considered the beginning of yoga’s commercialization?

Why 26 poses?  When you’re crazy they say you’re playing with a half of a deck of cards (26)?  One pose to match each letter of the alphabet; if that’s the case, why don’t they give each pose a letter instead of a name?  Or one pose for each bone in the foot and ankle; so you can brake one bone for each pose.

Why so hot?  To make us feel as hot as it gets in India?  To test the human spirit when there is no air conditioning?  To ensure that people do yoga with the least amount of clothing (don’t blame me if your mind is in the gutter, I didn’t say it had to be 105 degrees)?

Should I sweat out these questions in 26 hours or just enjoy, I mean suffer through, the classes?

Gary Kahn